Step families
Step families can be complicated.
| When families “blend” to create stepfamilies, things rarely progress smoothly.
Trying to make space for everyone can seem like a impossible conundrum. Often children resist changes. Parents can become frustrated when the new family doesn’t function like their previous family. Changes to family structure require adjustment time for everyone involved. |
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Tips for strengthening step families
- Create clear, safe boundaries in step families. Clear boundaries support the building of trust.
- Possibly establish the step parent as more of a friend or counsellor.
- The biological parent remains primarily responsible for discipline until the step parent has developed solid bonds with the kids.
- Create a list of family rules. Discuss the rules with the children and post them in a prominent place. Try to be consistent.
- Keep ALL parents involved, if you can. Children will adjust better to the new family if they have access to both biological parents. Let the kids know that you and your ex-partner will continue to love them and be there for them. Be sure they know that your new partner will not be a ‘replacement’ mom or dad, but another person to love and support them.
- Communicate often and openly. Uncertainty and worry about family issues often comes from poor communication. It can be helpful give some thought to what constitutes good communication. The following can help:
- Do things together – games, sports, activities
- Address conflict positively
- Show affection to one another
- Establish an open, non-judgmental atmosphere
- Listen respectfully to each other.
- Use routines and rituals to bond step families. Creating family routines and rituals helps unite family members. This could include outings to favourite places, possibly a weekly game night, or special ways to celebrate a family birthday. Establishing regular family meals offers a great chance for you to talk to each other.
Every family is different. It will take time to adjust to the different ways that the people in your new family do things.
Couple counselling can be helpful if:
- A child directs anger upon a particular family member or openly resents a step-parent or parent
- A step-parent or parent openly favors one child over another
- Members of the family derive no pleasure from usually enjoyable activities such as school, working, playing, or being with friends and family.
Contact me to see if I can help you with your situation. Also see my page on relationship counselling.
Contact Phillipa Bruce for counselling for young people.
Mindful touch
What is mindful touch?
| Touch is communication on the most basic level.
Touch is a necessity throughout life. It sustains emotionally and physically. Touch is about how you relate to yourself. Mindful touch is paying attention to sensations, emotions, physical experiences, thoughts in the moment of touching. |
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Try this simple exercise:
- Take one hand in the other.
- Close your eyes and put your attention into your hands.
- Notice the weight, temperature, texture of your hand.
- Try stroking your hand.
- Tap your hand varying the intensity.
- Explore each finger individually.
In this way you bring your attention back to your body and this moment.
Mindfulness is being in touch and aware of the present moment. It involves a non-judgmental approach to your inner experience.
Bring your attention to the things you touch in your life everyday.
- Bring your attention to your actual experience when you touch your partner.
- Let go of expectations about how you or your partner should respond to touch.
- Be curious.
- Try different kinds of touch.
In this way touching becomes an adventure!! Re-introduce play into your touch!!
Call or email to find out more about how mindful touch can help your sex life.
“One of the most basic elements of sexuality, touch, integrates the language of sexuality and attachment. Touch arouses and it also soothes and comforts”.
Having a baby
How does having a baby change your life?
| Having a baby alters the dynamics of your relationship.As a couple you only have each other to be concerned about.
Suddenly you have a vulnerable little person who will be with you for the next 18 years. Add in lack of sleep, and 24/7 demands from a new baby. Overnight you become a family. It takes time to accept and adjust to this new situation. |
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After the baby…
Two becomes three. Often Mum concentrates on the baby, and Dad can feel pushed out. Sometimes Mum is overwhelmed, and it is Dad who connects strongly with the baby. A similar dynamic can occur in same sex relationships. The baby becomes the focus of attention for the family. It is important for the couple to find time for each other and their relationship.
With a small baby it can be hard to find time for your relationship. However, it is important to put creative energy into spending time with your partner. Make sure your relationship doesn’t suffer.
Be patient with yourselves as change takes time to assimilate!
This is one of the most common times for couples to seek professional help…
If things continue to be difficult between you and your partner couple counselling can help. Email or phone for help to get your relationship back on the right track.
Infidelity
Can you rebuild your relationship after an affair?
| If your partner has been unfaithful, your world has been turned upside down. You feel hurt and angry. You might wonder whether your life together has been a lie. Will you ever be able to trust your partner again? |
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If you have had an affair, you may not be sure how you ended up being unfaithful.
You feel terrible for hurting your partner.
You might want to put the infidelity behind you instead of talking about it so much.
How can you find a way forward?
Couple counselling can help you consider these questions:
- Why did it happen?
- Once the love and trust are gone, can we ever get them back?
- Can I… should I… recommit when I feel so ambivalent?
- How do we become sexually intimate again?
- Is forgiveness possible?
- What constitutes an affair in cyberspace?
- Do we have a future together?
Couple counselling provides a neutral space to talk through what you both want.
After an infidelity it is possible to create a relationship that is stronger and richer than before.
Please contact me if you want to know more, or look at my relationship counselling and sex therapy pages.
About desire
Couple counselling and sex therapy can help you explore concerns about desire.
| Maybe you hardly ever think about sex. Does your partner want to have sex a lot more often than you?
Or perhaps you spend a lot of time thinking about sex. For example looking at internet porn, engaging in cybersex or having sex with different partners. |
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In both these situations it is important to consider whether your level of sexual desire is a problem for you. A useful question to ask is if your level of desire preventing you from getting on with aspects of your life. Consider whether your relationship, work, family life etc. is suffering.
Our culture often presents a limited picture of normal sexuality. Desire and sexual experience will be different for each person. Desire is on a spectrum. Some people feel lots and others will feel very little. Levels of desire can fluctuate over time. Desire fluctuates in response to what is happening in your life.
Desire can be affected by early messages received about sex. Positive or negative early sexual experiences can make a difference.
Sex therapy can be a good way to begin to learn new, more empowering and positive ways of seeing sex and desire. Give me a call to find out more about sex therapy.
My couple counselling blog
Welcome to the launch of my couple counselling blog and website!!
Check in here for relationship tips, and relationship counselling and psychosexual therapy information.
Please look around my website and let me know what you think.