Olivia Rowlatt

Sex and Relationship Therapist (COSRT Accredited)

Shades of gay, iO Tillett Wright

Fifty shades of gay

What does it mean to be:

gender neutral
female
trans
male
bisexual
gay
straight?
Can people be defined by their gender or sexuality?
iO Tillett Wright explores these questions.

Self Evident Truths by iO Tillett Wright

Photographer iO Tillett Wright explores the Lesbian Bisexual Gay Transgender Queer [LBGTQ] spectrum. iO photograghed 10,000 people on the LBGTQ spectrum. She asked each to assign a percentage to how gay they are? Many had never been asked this question: An exploration of shades of gay.

The majority identified as either 5-20% or 80-95% gay.

What does being gay [or straight] mean? Where do you draw the line?

How helpful is it to define people by their sexuality?

Each individual is unique. Every human shares features common to all humanity. Each persons sexuality is different.

Lesbian Bisexual Gay Transgender Queer [LBGTQ] spectrum

What is the definition of spectrum? The Oxford Dictionary says the following. Used to classify something in terms of its position on a scale between two extreme points.

Many aspects of sexual responce and behaviour vary depending on an infinite number of variables. See my blogs on Sex and Sexuality and Gender spectrum.

Contact me for couple counselling and sex therapy. Email or phone on 07927 026 299.

Find out more about iO Tillett.

 

Relationship conflict and resolution

What happens when couples fight?

  • Burning Man Festival, USA, 2015.
  • Sculpture by Alexandr Milov.
  • The inner expression of human nature when conflict arises.
Marriage therapy in Bath. Sex issues cause relationship conflict. LGBT couples. Bristol, Trowbridge, Frome, Somerset

Relationship conflict

The sculpture is of two adults sitting back to back. Perhaps an argument has occurred. Sadness and hurt are apparent. The inner selves are small children. The children are standing facing each other, holding hands through the grating.

Behind anger is hurt and sadness.

The inner child in both just wants to connect and love each other.

Here is a response to the sculpture:

“Age has so many beautiful gifts, but one that I could live without is the pride and resentment we hold onto when we are in conflict with others. The forgiving, open and free spirit of children is OUR TRUE NATURE; and I know I’ll be remembering this next time I’m feeling stubborn.”

Here are more images…

Conflict is a normal part of relationship. Everyone experiences relationship difficulties at some time. Relationship conflict is can really get you down. If this is the case, couple counselling can help… Phone on 07927026299 for a chat. You are welcome to email questions.

 

 

Relationship maintenance and therapy

Prioritise your relationship:

  • Life can get busy.
  • Work takes over.
  • Raising a family can be all consuming.
  • There may be elderly parents to look after.
  • Time to spend as a couple can become hard to find.
Couple councelling. Relationship councelling. Keep your relationship going. Couple issues can be helped by councelling. Relationship therapy can help. Try marriage counselling. LGBT couples are happy. Psychosexual therapy. Sex therapy. Psychosexual counselling

Make sure your relationship is high on your priority list.

Think about how you want your relationship to be in 5 years. Relationship maintenance is daily small steps. Each step moves towards the relationship you want. Read about Gottman’s ratio.

  • Have fun together!
  • Communicate: Let your partner know what is going on for you. Make time to talk everyday [a few minutes can go a long way]
  • Try to see the good things your partner does.
  • Take responsibility for yourself. Do things that make you happy. Spend time with friends.

A relationship requires work and trust. The “key” is for couples to not take each other for granted and get lazy.

Your sex life. There is no one key ingredient; sex is not that simple. However, there are ways to increase your chances for a great sex life. For most of us these include these things. Put energy and thought into your sex life. Talk to your partner about it.

One “key” to a great sex life is variety and creativity. Without a little effort to mix things up, even the most sensational activities become routine and stale. It’s well worth the effort to come up with new ways to express sensuality and sexuality with your partner. This could mean bringing some sex toys into the bedroom. Maybe have sex in a different environment: a luxury hotel, on top of the dining room table, or in the backyard under the moonlight. It could mean watching an erotic video together or role-playing your fantasies.

Psychosexual therapy. It can help to speak to an expert about the difficulties you are going through.

Internet porn and the human brain

Evolution has not prepared the human brain for high speed internet porn.

Check out this Tedx talk by Gary Wilson!

Masturbation is a normal healthy physiological function.

High speed internet porn may have unexpected effects on the brain.

Not all internet porn usage is problematic! Watch out for the following symptoms:

  • Decreasing interest in real life sex as use of internet porn increases
  • Escalation to more extreme material
  • Radical changes to sexual taste
  • Obsessive-compulsive internet porn use
  • Concentration difficulties
  • Social anxiety
  • Sexual performance problems
  • Irritability
  • Inability to stop

Is your relationship with internet porn is causing difficulties in your life?

Stop using internet porn

Your symptoms will reverse

Normal sexual functioning will be restored

Withdrawing from internet porn can be extremely challenging.

  1. Get as much information as you can about your problem. You could have a look at the your brain on porn website.
  2. You may need professional help. Possibly contact an organisation, such as sex addicts anonymous, or an experienced counsellor.
  3. Work out any uncomfortable feelings you have that make you want to look at internet porn. This could include stress, irritability, loneliness and many more. It is possible to find different ways of responding  to these.
  4. Replace porn use with naturally rewarding activities. These could include sports, hobbies, spending time with friends or family. Humans regulate mood better when they are interacting with each other.

Internet porn can cause issues for adolescents.

  • Sex with a partner doesn’t match up to the intense stimulation provided by internet porn. This can lead to sexual performance problems.
  • Unrealistic ideas about how human genitals look which can be distressing.
  • Extreme expectations of what constitutes a good sexual experience.

Email or phone me if you have any questions.

Female Sexuality

Find out about female sexuality.

Read new book by Emily Nagoski.
Come as you are: The surprising new science that will transform your sex life.

Check out this youtube book review.

Come as you are is an exploration of how female sexuality works. It is based on research and brain science.

First lesson: Every woman has her own unique sexuality. A bit like a fingerprint. Women vary in all aspects of sexuality:

Genitals are made of the same parts. Just organised in different ways. No two alike.

Each body responds differently to the sexual world.

It is not possible to judge based on the experiences others. Women vary, and that’s normal.

Second lesson: Sex happens in a context. Research shows that female sexuality has sexual brakes and sexual accelerators. The stresses of everyday life influence a woman’s arousal, desire, and orgasm.

Third lesson: Not everyone experiences spontaneous desire. Some only experience reactive desire. Some experience both. All of this is normal.

Fourth lesson: You can have a better relationship with your body. Love your body. Accept it how it is now. Your sexual satisfaction will increase.

Stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors. They are central to a woman’s sexual wellbeing.

Understand these factors, and how to influence them. You can create for yourself better sex.

Psychosexual counselling can be useful. It is a good place to explore these ideas further.

Do email or phone if you have questions.

Erection problems

About erection problems

Most men experience erection problems at some time in their lives.

It is important to work out if the cause is physical or psychological.

Why is this happening?

Erection problems can have physical and/ or psychological causes.

Are you getting occassional early morning erections? Early morning erections show that the apparatus works. If you have any concerns about this  consult your doctor. Erection problems can be the first indication of various health issues.

Psychological causes for erection issues include:

  • Performance anxiety
  • Stress
  • Relationship issues
  • Drinking too much alcohol
  • Excessive masturbation

What can I do?

  1. Acknowledge it. Talk to your partner. Explain concerns about sex.
  2. Look at your life style. How much do you relax and enjoy yourself?
  3. Healthy attitude. Exercise, eat healthy food, avoid excessive alcohol consumption. Be kind to yourself.
  4. Address resentments in the relationship.
  5. Psychosexual counselling.

More about performance anxiety…

Alex Allman talks about perfomance anxiety. He explains more about why it happens. Try the four steps he suggests.

Watch this YouTube video for ideas of what to do if you have erection problems. 

Visit your doctor if you have concerns.

 

For more information about relationship and psychosexual therapy email or phone on 07927 026 299.

 

Lasting relationships

Creating lasting relationships

  • Creating lasting relationships is not easy.
  • Lasting relationships result from many factors.
  • How can you create a lasting relationship?

Psychologist of 40 years, John Gottman, has been researching this question. Click here for his article in Business Insider, read by 24 million

 Communication and relationships

For lasting relationships talk more. Couple counselling helps with relationship issues. Talking about sexual problems is useful. Couple therapy in Bath and Bristol. Psychosexual counselling trowbridge and Frome. LGBT issues explored. Lesbian, Gay, bisexual, transexual friendly therapy. Go out more. Stay in. Have fun. Be together. Try the cinema. Go for walks. Run together. Support each other.

Communication plays a big part in how people feel about each other. Gottman found 2 traits that contribute to lasting relationships. These are kindness and generosity. This answer is deceptively simple. Despite it’s simplicity there is some  truth to Gottman’s answer. However, acheiving kindness and generosity is not entirely straight forward. For more on this see the article.

There are many different aspects to the way people interact. People learn about communication from observation, experience and education. Factors, like stress, tiredness and ill-health, make a difference. In relationship therapy communication can be explored.

 To find out more email or call 07927026299.

Rethinking infidelity

Rethinking infidelity

Why do people cheat?

Why can affairs be so traumatic?

How do you recover and rebuild after infidelity?

Esther Perel explores these questions.

Rethinking infidelity: The meaning of affairs

Affairs threaten emotional security

Affairs can be seen as an expression of longing and loss

Affairs are often about turning away from the person we ourselves have become.

Affairs are not always about turning away from a partner.

They can be expressions of desire for:

  • Novelty
  • Autonomy
  • Sexual intensity
  • A wish to recpature lost parts of  the self
  • An attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tradegy

The definition of infidelity keeps on expanding… it now often includes:

  • Sexting
  • Watching porn
  • Staying secretly active on dating apps

There is no universally agreed upon definition of what constitutes infidelity.

The following three factors are usually present in infidelity:

  • A secretive relationship [this can include screenbased activities]
  • An emotional connection
  • A sexual alchemy

Questions about death and mortality and rethinking infidelity:

  • Is this it?
  • Is there more?
  • Am I going on for another 25 years like this?
  • Will I ever feel that thing again?

Rethinking infidelity can be helpful. Relationship counselling can be a good place to explore what meeds to happen. Call 07927 026 299, or email, for more information.

Breast cancer relationships

Breast Cancer Relationships

Women discuss how breast cancer treatment has impacted their sexual health and function.

Breast cancer can have a significant impact on sexual relationship.

Breast cancer and sexuality

Breast cancer, and the treatment of breast cancer, can affect sexuality in different ways:

  1. Sexual function– Treatment may consist of surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, and/ or other medication. These can significantly reduce desire to have sex. Sex may be less pleasurable than before. Frequent side effects include:
    • Fatigue
    • Menopausal symptoms
    • Vaginal dryness and irritaion
    • Discomfort after surgery
    • Lymphoedema
  2. Sexual identity- Breasts can play a role in identity. Changes to, or loss of a breast, or breasts, can change the way person feels about themselves. Each person is different. The meaning, impact and effect of different breast surgery will vary. This can be an important factor.
  3. Sexual relationship- Breast cancer and treatment of breast cancer can change the relationship dynamic. Some will not be in a relationship. Breast cancer, and it’s treatment, can bring additional concerns when starting a new relationship. Possible issues include:
    • Relationship roles change. One person caring for the other.
    • The partner without cancer may worry about hurting the other by being sexual with them.
    • Being sexual when one partner is “ill” may seem wrong to one or both partners.

It is important to talk about concerns about your sex life. Consider who you feel most comfortable talking to. Try speaking to your cancer nurse, GP, or oncologist.

 

If breast cancer is impacting on your relationship then counselling can be helpful. Call 07927 026 299, or email, for more information.

Support for breast cancer relationships!

Female Viagra?

A “female Viagra”?? Can mindfulness help with  female arousal and desire issues?

Drug companies are searching for a “female Viagra”. So far, there is no pill that enhances female arousal.

Pyschological and behavioral methods are used to help low desire and arousal.

Dr. Lori Brotto talks about mindfulness and female sexual arousal.

Why is it hard to produce a “female Viagra” drug?

Arousal and desire are phases in female sexual response. For most women they are indistinguishable. For men, desire and arousal are obvious distinct phases.

Male arousal is impacted by genital blood flow. Viagra works directly on genital blood flow. Genital blood flow hardly affects female desire/ arousal.

Female arousal/ desire can be strongly influenced by:

  • Relationship satisfaction
  • Mood
  • Self-esteem
  • Body image
  • Health
  • Stress, depression, anxiety

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is paying attention to what is happening now.

Mindfulness is cultivating a non-judgmental attitude to experience.

Low female arousal/ desire

There are multiple factors involved in female sexual response.

The following can be factors in low arousal/ desire in women:

    • Depressed and anxious thoughts
    • Self-critical thoughts
    • Concern about outcome of sexual encounter
    • Tendency to follow distracting thoughts
    • Low self image
    • Feeling emotionally volatile
    • Out of touch with body

How does mindfulness work like a “female Viagra”?

  • Mindfulness helps anxiety and depression. Depressive symptoms can be seen in low female arousal/ desire.
  • Mindfulness increases awareness of the body. Sexual responses unfolding moment by moment are recognised.
  • Judgment about sexual experience is lessened.
  • Distracting thoughts can be treated as “mental events”.
  • More sexual cues are noticed. This is a result of more awareness all of the time.
  • Mindfulness can reduce dwelling on bad past sexual experiences.
  • Practicing mindfulness leads to less stress and distress. This leads to increased relationship satisfaction.

What next?

Female low desire is very complex. There are many factors involved. Mindfulness can be helpful.

If you are interested in finding out more, phone 07927 026 299 or email. Relationship and psychosexual therapy can help to explore factors impacting on low female arousal/ desire.

For more about factors impacting on female sexuality see Befriending your body: Understanding female sexuality