How does falling in love differ for men and women?
What is the science of sexual attraction?
What is attraction neuroscience?
Dawn Maslar explores how your brain falls in love
What makes men commit?
What makes women fall in love?
Dawn explains her journey. Discover role of her grandmother in her discoveries.
Do you have concerns about your relationship?
Learn more about relationship neuroscience
Have you ever wondered why relationships can be so challenging?
Find out more about human interactions.
Stan Tatkin looks at the neuroscience of communication
What really causes arguments!
It’s not about sex or money or who picks up the socks.
There is a far more primitive reason.
Give your relationship a fighting chance.
Is your relationship challenging?
Are there issues you would like to resolve?
Find out more about intimacy and desire in long-term relationships
|Have you been with your partner a long time?
Do you have sex less frequently than you did at the beginning of your relationship?
Esther Perel explores dynamics that arise in long-term relationships.
Your attitude to your sex life will make a difference!
Consider the following:
- How do you view your partner?
- Do you put time aside to be physical with each other?
- Do you have fun?
- Are you playful together?
- Do you get on well together?
In 1983 John Gottman interviewed 73 newly-wed couples. Each couple was filmed in conversation for 15 minutes. The number of positive and negative interactions between each couple were counted.
He was able to predict whether couples would stay together or get divorced.
A follow-up in 1987 showed that Gottman had predicted divorce with 94% accuracy
Why does Gottman’s ratio work?
- If you say something positive to your partner it makes them feel good.
- When hear yourself saying something positive to your partner it makes you feel good about yourself.
- When you behave in a positive loving way you start to feel more positive and loving.
- Your partner is more likely to take your negative comment seriously if most of your comments are positive.
- The negative interactions are as important as the positive ones. They are most effective in Gottman’s ratio, 5 positive: 1 negative.
- It is normal to feel annoyed with your partner occasionally. It reminds you and your partner that you are two different people with different perspectives.
- A relationship without conflict is not able to move on. Over time goals, feelings and situations change. Negative interactions alert couples of the need to adjust things in the relationship.
- Some couples, are “volatile”. They unleash anger at one another. However, they offset that anger with even larger doses of warm feelings. Despite the volatility, such couples tend to be stable and successful.They not only influence each other with anger but also with affection.
Clients often say that Gottman’s ratio of 5 positives to 1 negative sounds impossible to achieve!
Each time you think something positive about your partner say it to them.
Check out these suggestions of positive interactions:
- Make a cup of tea/ coffee for your partner.
- Give your partner a hug/ kiss/ hold their hand.
- Put music on your partner likes.
- Ask your partner about their day.
- Text your partner to say hello.
- Try saying the following:
- “You look nice today”
- “That top suits you”
- “You’re a great father/ mother”
- “This is a delicious meal”
- “It was a good idea of yours to ….”
- “I like it when you…”
Try out Gottman’s ratio with your friends, colleagues, children etc.
Are your arguments a problem? Can couple counselling help?
In these situations it is worth recognizing that you or your partner are on a short fuse. If an argument begins try to finish it as soon as possible.
Mostly the issue you are arguing about is a symptom of your conflict, not the cause. Try to identify the deeper layer reasons for the argument and address them. If you do this then surface issues can be more easily resolved.
Deeper layer causes of arguments may be about past betrayals. They could be about fundamental needs not being met. Fundamental needs include:
You can explore these questions together. Relationship counselling can help if you want support in finding a better way of communicating.
Fifty shades of gay
|What does it mean to be:
Can people be defined by their gender or sexuality?
iO Tillett Wright explores these questions.
Photographer iO Tillett Wright explores the Lesbian Bisexual Gay Transgender Queer [LBGTQ] spectrum. iO photograghed 10,000 people on the LBGTQ spectrum. She asked each to assign a percentage to how gay they are? Many had never been asked this question: An exploration of shades of gay.
The majority identified as either 5-20% or 80-95% gay.
What does being gay [or straight] mean? Where do you draw the line?
How helpful is it to define people by their sexuality?
Each individual is unique. Every human shares features common to all humanity. Each persons sexuality is different.
Lesbian Bisexual Gay Transgender Queer [LBGTQ] spectrum
What is the definition of spectrum? The Oxford Dictionary says the following. Used to classify something in terms of its position on a scale between two extreme points.
Contact me for couple counselling and sex therapy. Email or phone on 07927 026 299.
What happens when couples fight?
The sculpture is of two adults sitting back to back. Perhaps an argument has occurred. Sadness and hurt are apparent. The inner selves are small children. The children are standing facing each other, holding hands through the grating.
Behind anger is hurt and sadness.
The inner chlid in both just wants to connect and love each other.
Here is a responce to the sculpture:
“Age has so many beautiful gifts, but one that I could live without is the pride and resentment we hold onto when we are in conflict with others. The forgiving, open and free spirit of children is OUR TRUE NATURE; and I know I’ll be remembering this next time I’m feeling stubborn.”
Conflict is a normal part of relationship. Everyone experiences relationship difficulties at some time. Relationship conflict is can really get you down. If this is the case, couple counselling can help… Phone on 07927026299 for a chat. You are welcome to email questions.
Prioritise your relationship:
Make sure your relationship is high on your priority list.
Think about how you want your relationship to be in 5 years. Relationship maintenance is daily small steps. Each step moves towards the relationship you want. Read about Gottman’s ratio.
- Have fun together!
- Communicate: Let your partner know what is going on for you. Make time to talk everyday [a few minutes can go a long way]
- Try to see the good things your partner does.
- Take responsibility for yourself. Do things that make you happy. Spend time with friends.
A relationship requires work and trust. The “key” is for couples to not take each other for granted and get lazy.
Your sex life. There is no one key ingredient; sex is not that simple. However, there are ways to increase your chances for a great sex life. For most of us these include these things. Put energy and thought into your sex life. Talk to your partner about it.
One “key” to a great sex life is variety and creativity. Without a little effort to mix things up, even the most sensational activities become routine and stale. It’s well worth the effort to come up with new ways to express sensuality and sexuality with your partner. This could mean bringing some sex toys into the bedroom. Maybe have sex in a different environment: a luxury hotel, on top of the dining room table, or in the backyard under the moonlight. It could mean watching an erotic video together or role-playing your fantasies.